By

Threesomes: Honesty, Communication and Boundaries

threesomesWhether you are new to threesomes or have already experienced a few, the key to a fun, trouble-free, and safe threesome is mostly down to three main elements: honesty, communication and boundaries.If you are a couple, it is important to maintain your relationship and make sure your relationship is strong before you enter into a threesome. It is also important to know what you want from the experience and to not get so caught up in any tricky relationship issues that you treat the third in your threesome badly. Here are some tips on how to better navigate these territories.

 

Finding and agreeing boundaries

 

Once you and your partner agree to have a threesome, the first thing you might wish to do is to list, in categories, your boundaries. It is best if you both do this separately (either at the same time in the same space, or completely apart – it is up to you). Each have a piece of paper and divide the paper into three rows. In the first row (the ‘green’ box), list all the things that turn you on about threesomes and why you want to experience them. It can be things you want to see your partner do as well as things you would want to do or have done to you. In the second row (the ‘amber’ box), list all the things you would be happy to do but they would be subject to agreements or discussions (for example, a bit of anal play but no penetration). Try to give as much detail as possible about what the conditions or agreements would be and try not to phrase it in a controlling way (such as ‘you are not allowed to give her oral sex’. A much better way to phrase it would be: ‘I would feel more comfortable if you were to not give her oral sex’). Then, in the final row (the ‘red’ box), write down all of the things you would not be comfortable with at all. Again, if these are about what do you not feel comfortable seeing your partner do, make sure you phrase it in a non-controlling way, such as ‘I would not feel at all comfortable if we had the threesome in our bed. I would need a hotel room’, rather than ‘you cannot have sex with other people in our bed’ or. By avoiding these ‘can’ and ‘cannot’ rules, you are avoiding the language of permission. Your partner is not a ‘thing’ you can control and give permission to; he or she is a human being with real needs and making sure that each other’s, as well as your own,needs are being met should be the main focus of this exercise, not control.

 

Communicating needs: agreements vs rules

 

Once you have both written your lists, you should compare and discuss what your agreements will be for threesomes. Some of these agreements will be fairly fixed and some will be situational (only relevant to very particular kinds of situations) so make sure you are both clear on which are fairly fixed and which can be negotiated. It is better to use the term ‘agreements’ rather than ‘rules’ because rules are imposed on someone, therefore being an exertion of control, whereas agreements are decided upon and negotiated; they are in flux. This concept, again, involves meeting needs rather than having rigid rules that cannot be broken. Once rules are in place and being enforced, either partner may realise that they do not feel comfortable mentioning that they no longer feel able to commit to the rule. Yet, because it is a rule that appears unnegotiable, they feel they absolutely have to comply with it, which creates resentment within the relationship. Or they may simply break the rule and their partner would then feel hurt. By committing to having agreements, instead of rules, you acknowledge that both you and your partner are always changing and you both have the right to change your minds, raise concerns either of you might not have realised were there previously, and you also acknowledge that you both have the right to communicate your own needs.

 

threesome honestyIf you are a couple who regularly intend to engage in group sex, polyamory, swinging, or open relationships of any kind, it is a good idea to have regular check-ins with each other. This could be monthly or even more regularly if you feel the need to. By asking ‘how did you feel when…?’ or ‘what do you feel about the idea of…’ and listening to what your partner needs and thinks, you are showing you care. Repeat back a short summary, such as: ‘Have I understood correctly that you feel….?’ This shows you were listening and if you have misunderstood, it means things are clarified before any misinterpretations can become a danger to your relationship. If you are the one being asked how you feel, try not to speak as if you are accusing your partner. For example, instead of saying ‘when you were having sex with Sandra, you made me jealous and upset’, say ‘seeing you having sex with Sandra brought up some uncomfortable feelings. I felt jealous and upset because…’. Always try to own your own emotions – even if your partner’s actions might have triggered these feelings.

 

Honesty

 

This is also important, but pretty straight forward. Your partner is with you because they care about you. Trust that even if they are uncomfortable with what you are saying, they want to hear your concerns because they care. Be honest with them and communicate your needs, your desires and fears. But, and this is crucial, also be honest with the third person who is entering into a sexual experience with you. As the couple, you have a responsibility to make sure that you are honest and caring towards that person, too. Treat them like they are a person who is experiencing an (albeit fleeting) sexual relationship with you, not a thing, not an object. That person has feelings and has just as much of a right to maintain their boundaries and ask for you to respect their needs as you do. So make sure you consider that a ‘three-way’ is called this for a reason; so that everyone’s needs and desires can be considered, to create the best, most comfortable and pleasurable experience for all three of you.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *